Day 7 – a good tired

What does it mean: I’m tired, but it’s a good tired.  Honestly, I never gave it much thought.  It describes how I feel right at this moment.  Because I can still write today’s musings, it’s a good tired.  Bad tired is when I have to go to bed and not fulfill my commitment to myself.  I can say that better, because that last sentence did NOT feel good.  I’m committed to loving my body this month, and so any kind of tired is just fine.  

Eating has been more pleasurable this week.  As I lower the resistance to good health, I feel free to eat as my body desires.  I am imperfect and enjoying every minute of it.

Am literally snoozing at the typewriter.  The practice for tomorrow will be…unconditional love.

2012-09-25 21.38.37

Day 6 – Give thyself permission

In so many ways, on so many topics, I think for myself.  Some might say I militantly think for myself. About a few topics, however, I am a scaredy cat.  It has been quite a while since I have experienced the swift and powerful shift towards freedom that I have experience during this first week of giving myself permission to honestly express my love of my body, and honestly express what has stopped the love for many years.  Letting myself off the hook for so many thoughts about my physical self, and about the  bodies of others.  Thoughts of which I was so embarrassed or ashamed that I did not acknowledge them to myself.  I’m surprised at how insidious it is; like a computer virus in my mind.  An example – I have always thought I was ashamed of my body size and shape.  In reality, it’s more accurate to say that I’ve been ashamed of not liking my body size and shape, and doing all sorts of misdirections and storytelling about it.  I said I didn’t care when I did, and said I did care when I didn’t.  

By practicing deeper honesty with myself and others, it is as if a gauzy curtain of lies has been cleared away.  Practicing loving my body has turned out to be so much easier than practicing loving my thoughts.  What I am finding is this: letting go of the habit of body hatred and replacing it with body love has uncovered an underlying and real problem – I am ashamed of the way I think about myself and others.  And I spend lots of time covering up that shame.  And somehow I am letting that shame go. and am allowing the emergence of a free, loving and true spirit.  It feels good.

Now, in closing, let me tell you some stuff I love about Molly’s body:  the way the roll around my middle gives me a place to rest my hands; diabetes which has inspired me to find a way to love myself; my hair and eyes which are beautiful and breathtaking; my arms which are strong and good at hugging.  

Day 5 – What I learned on my summer vacation

Judgmental people are hard on themselves.  I judge judgmental people.  This is not news to me, but I did not put it together until today how much this judging hurts me.  I am hard on myself.  Not always, but sometimes.  And I don’t even notice it most of the time.  Until now.  It is today’s gift from the 30 day process.  30 days of loving my body.  Having given myself permission to love the previously unlovable, and then made a commitment to myself to write something every day and share what I am learning, I can notice.  I have more time and space to think.  I read something today about how much time women spend comparing and categorizing themselves; apparently it happens every 30 seconds or something like that.  And it interferes with thinking and learning, which I have definitely observed in my students.  As I have expressed in previous posts, one of the gifts so far in this process is a feeling of greater freedom.  A whole bunch of thinking which I have previously felt required to do is no longer required.  Of course, it never was, but I didn’t know.  I am grateful for this marvelous journey

I’m going to post a few links here, which may be of interest to those who enjoy my journey so far:

Fat Links

Ted Talk:
Body Love Wellness website

My Body Gallery

Day 4 – 30 days of loving my body

Today’s plan was to notice all thoughts about my body and flood every thought with golden liquid love.  Hmmm…It was a full and busy day and I’m not sure I noticed and flooded ’em all.  It was a wonderful day.  I was with family, I was of service, I didn’t think selfishly of myself and my needs, but was present in each moment to what was needed to increase the love.  Ah, that feels good.  Talk about some golden liquid love!  Let us now relate all of this to the body love topic, Miss Mills.  Ok, here goes – the practice of loving my physical self has increased the love for everything. There it is.  One of the reasons that I embarked on this journey is that is has become apparent that there are parts of me – areas of my life – beliefs – that are like love resistors.  They block the love coming in and going out.  Not totally, but more like a semi-permeable membrane.  I desire more love, flowing freely.  And body image/awareness/hate/love has been part of my thought life for many years.  Literally as far back as I can remember.  

Seriously…I thought the number on the scale, the waist measurement, the roundness and firmness of my stomach fat was one of those things that I was required by some unspoken law to ponder, obsess over, feel guilty about, protest, complain about. No such law exists.  What a concept!  I find it remarkable that I am such a physically healthy person, given the barrage of unnecessary and unhelpful thoughts I’ve amassed over the years. I’m a healthy girl!  It can be so easy to care for myself.  It doesn’t take a lot of work, or time, or pain, or suffering.  It takes the willingness to be playful and joyful and to listen. It takes a belief in freedom, a freedom to choose what I want to eat based on my emotional guidance. And not simply what I want to eat, but what I want to do. Or NOT do. Here’s one more thing.  I’m sharing this journey; I’m doing the blog, because I can’t let go of any thing that I continue to hide.  Vulnerability – Brene Brown – I bet you’ve seen the TED talk.  Everybody knows and nobody cares.  You care about ME, maybe, but you don’t care much about my thoughts.  You can’t until I share them.  And they become simple thoughts/fairytales/stories.  And they are not me, but they are a part of me that I don’t need.  So – you can have them.  I don’t need those thoughts anymore.

She's got legs...
She’s got legs…

A 30-day journey to love my body

IMG_1062My body is amazing.  Strong legs, long wavy hair, cute toes, smiling eyes.  It does so much good stuff without any instructions from me!  It breathes, circulates blood, digests, thinks, laughs and loves.  It deserves my love and appreciation.  So, when I saw a social media post with photos of someone’s 30-day journey of diet and exercise, with photos, I thought…”Hey, Molly, why don’t you do a 30-day journey to love your body.  Yep, the fat tummy, the achy shoulder, the gray hair.  Every single bit of it.  It will be fun and easy.  And share this 30-day journey.  Document it.  See what happens.”

So, it is day 1.  Today I am loving my body by letting myself off the hook for caring what others think. Deep breath, and I just let go of that.  For a moment.  Guess what?  I am experiencing pretty strong emotion right now.  Maybe you have heard of the Emotional Guidance System.  I learned about it from the book Ask and It Is Given by Jerry and Esther Hicks. What I know is that my emotions guide me to think and act in ways that are best for me.  When negative emotions come up, that is a magic key to unlock a belief that is not serving me.

A belief that does serve me is the belief that Source Energy is loving, personally, towards me.  Source is beaming powerful loving energy to me at all times, and it is my choice whether to allow it in.  Source loves my body, so when I think loving thoughts about my body, that feels good.  But if I try to think things that I”m not ready to really believe, it feels bad.  So I think more general, less specific thoughts.  And the love can shine through again!

So, tomorrow I will let you know about my experiences with letting myself off the hook.  Day 1 begins…


An important lesson

Quantum physicists will tell you that everything is made of energy. So will the beggar on the corner wearing cut off jeans and torn tie-dyed T-shirt. That is why garage sales are so satisfying to me. Here’s what I mean. When you go to a store, (let’s say Wal-Mart), you are bombarded with waves of newly reformed energy. Stuff that used to be other stuff reformed into new stuff. Stuff that has never been touched with love screaming out energy waves of “pick me, pick me”. It’s draining.
Now, consider shopping at a garage sale. You walk around formerly well-loved stuff. It smiles patiently at you, it’s not anxious. Yes, it could end up at the local St. Vincent de Paul’s, or even in the landfill, but it has already lead a full, rich life and is ready to move on. It’s a thrilling shopping experience. You walk around pondering…how much should I offer for this talking frog?…does this stereo work?…who in their right mind would buy a replica of doggie doo-doo made of dark chocolate?…and how much do they want for it? No matter how foolishly ridiculous your purchase may seem to others, you have no reason to be ashamed. You are secure in the knowledge that at least one other person on the planet not only thought it was a good idea to buy that radio shaped like a penis, but they paid more for it than you did.
Perhaps you can tell that I am no stranger to shopping in strangers’ yards. That I can often be found on a Sunday afternoon digging through boxes of dead people’s office supplies. That I probably have more stuffed animals and chipped knickknacks than anyone needs. But there is one thing that, on a bad day, irks the crap out of me. A poorly constructed yard sale sign. So, listen up, people. What I am about to teach you could save your life. Because one day I could snap, dig out that sling shot I bought from the retired naval officer, and start shooting. There is a very simple but widely misunderstood fact. The most important part of your sign is the address. People want to know where you are. We are already out, driving around looking for off the beaten path sales. We DO NOT CARE that in your opinion it’s the “biggest sale ever”. We don’t care if you have decided to call it a yard sale, carport sale, estate sale or “GIANT” sale. You may write that part of your sign in small print. But please, for the love of God, write the address nice and big. That’s all. That’s it. Don’t be the reason that I knock over one more cyclist who gets in the way while I drive down the bike lane trying to read the address scrawled at the bottom of your neon poster board. If you don’t understand why I am so passionate about this, then please just don’t have a sale. Donate your stuff to the local methadone clinic and go see a movie. You are a danger to yourself and others with your lackadaisical sign creation and must be stopped. Thank you.

Bathroom Equity

So, last night I was walking my dogs down by the gorgeous Oakland-Alameda estuary.  I adore the Grand Street Marina, mostly because there is a kinda clean 24 hour bathroom there.  Also because it is one of the few places in the area with free boat launching facilities.  No, I don’t have a boat right now, but it’s in the future experience of me.  Anyway, I digress.  We are talking about bathrooms today.  So I noticed that the men’s bathroom is very well lit, and yet BOTH lights are non-functional in the women’s room.  And I think this has been going on for a very long time.  This got me thinking (what doesn’t).  It is 2010, the end of the nameless decade, well into the new millennium.  We have a person of color as President of the United States for cryin’ out loud.  Why are there still separate but unequal facilities for peeing?  Maybe a man can explain it to me, but I just don’t understand why we can’t eliminate urinals and all pee together.

Yes, I can understand why men don’t want us women sauntering by, judging the “dink-a-dinks” as my granddaughter calls them.  But why do you guys need to stand around and pee together.  Can’t you just go in the stall, take care of business, and come out.  We could do that right next to each other.  Now for those brave men who have read this far, you may not understand why I care about this issue so fully.  But women understand.  Go to any large event.  You can pick the women’s room from a mile away.  The One With the Big Gnarly line.  In most situations, there are more women than men, so the lines are waaay long.  So, men of America, I say unto you.  Drop the urinal.  Let all restroom be free for all!

Laughter is better than medicine


Some people say that laughter is the best medicine.  I don’t agree.  Laughter is simply the best.  In my world, there is nothing better than sitting with friends, finding a funny notion and then running with it until we are figuratively peeing in our pants.  But I can also do this alone.  For example, I was sitting at Peet’s coffee last week, minding my own business (sort of) when I overheard a conversation about cemeteries.  OK, I know some of you are thinking, “what’s funny about cemeteries?”  Well, let me tell you.  Apparently they are filling up!  So much so that cemetery salesmen are urging a clever money making scheme.  Why in the world do you need two plots?  Just bury mom on top of dad and sell the other plot!  Genius.  I did not make this up; I simply overheard it at Peet’s.  Now, why stop there?  Dig deep.  Really deep.  Uncle Jim and Aunt Yolanda can squeeze in there.  A young, healthy person with a large enough family could start a side business.  So please, if you are out there, struggling in this economy, take heart.  Go to the cemetery.  Pay a visit to grandpa, and let him know company’s comin’!