I said I would write at least one sentence a day. Today was anger. Not at anyone but myself. Well, maybe more like annoyance. Goodnight.
Day 5. Friday. What I have learned about myself so far is that I habitually eat sugar without much thought. This became clear at the A’s game tonight. Frozen custard. Dibs. Cotton Candy…(now I never eat cotton candy and find it disgusting, but I always consider it.) It seems so tempting on those long poles traveling around the baseball park.
I imagine that everyone has something that they do habitually that’s not that good for them.. Give it up for 100 days and see what happens.
ARRGH! Safeway was a bad dream tonight. Went in all calm and happy, but a little hungry. And the sugary sweet stuff was calling. Jumping off the shelves. At every turn. What are those cookies doing in the toilet paper aisle?
And it makes me wonder. Is it possible that I never eat this stuff again? I’m not saying that’s the plan but it’s a thought. I mean, I never drink alcohol. I never smoke cigarattes.
So far I haven’t had a lot of physical or emotional symptoms. Can’t wait!
Day 3. Faculty meeting. Only sugary stuff passed around including some very yummy looking chocolate mints. Did not sample. Victory.
It’s day 2 of 100 days. Deciding to completely cut out sweets is easier than deciding to treat or not to treat. Today, that is. Remind me when I’m crying at the next birthday party with a big chocolate cake.
One thing I’m noticing is that I’m caring a little more about what I’m ingesting. That little pause that I take to make sure it’s something non-sugary is a pause for me. To ponder my food choices.
I’m not against sugar, and am fully expecting to develop a more mindful relationship with the treats. But for now, just a cleanse, so to speak. I wonder what other ways I will be finding to treat myself without sugar. Got any ideas?
My dogs love “treats” it’s not the actual treat, I believe, but the love that comes through the treat. My “treats” are sweets. Ice cream, candy, cookies. And once in a while a donut or cake. But I’m not sure whether or not that’s good for me. So, I’m going to not eat them for 100 days. It is day 1. I also committed to myself to write at least one sentence a day about how it feels.
Right now I am a mixture of virtue and fear. I did it! And at the airport where I always treat. There’s the virtue. But what will I do when…(fill in the blank). Answer, I will do whatever I do and honor my commitment. And have fun with it.
A few years back, I learned about the concept “Word of the Year”. I always choose one. Not a choice, really, if you do it right. Sit quietly and it is given to you. I thought my word was passion. But part of the ritual of deciding on your word is to research it – find its meanings and etymology. So I couldn’t choose passion, because it comes from the Latin for pain. And most of the definitions are related to pain. Think Passion plays.
Words mean what we want them to mean, of course. I love to play with both words and numbers, but there are different rules of play. Numbers do become popular and are sometimes given meaning ,”twenty-one” for example, but in general the rules of play are straightforward. Words are more flexible. “Find your Passion” has become a catch-phrase for those of us who are spiritual but not religious. Or those who love Oprah and Chopra. It’s that common 21st Century usage which brought me to the word. The nagging feeling that if I could settle down and find a passion I would be better. I could follow my bliss and be of real use in the world. Now I’m free! Molly has let go of her futile search for her passion. Passion means pain and I don’t have to eat kale.
So I came to enchantment. ‘Twas a synonym of a synonym of a synonym of passion. I wonder if there’s a word for “synonym of a synonym of a synonym” – trisynonym perhaps. Enchantment has a dark side as well – think Snow White or Rapunzel. But I settled there because enchantment implies magic. Mystical Merriment is my game and enchantment is my aim. One definition of enchant on http://www.dictionary.com is: “
I had a powerful experience while walking the dogs this evening. There’s a housing development being built near the marina a few blocks away, and for the first time, the gate was wide open. A wide paved path led into an area where 40 homes are being squished together in classic Bay Area style. Many homes in various stages of completion. A few sidewalks and gutters. LOTS of wood. When we got to the end of the pavement, I turned back and ventured into the dirt. Picking our way through, I started feeling the energy of possibility. We were walking around alone in a place where very soon there will be life everywhere. As I looked into the framed rooms and new garages I felt increasing excitement. Visions of kids playing, dogs barking, plants growing and love happening flooded my mind. It felt like the opposite of a graveyard. I love the peace and stillness of a graveyard – and it was quiet and still around me – but it was not like a graveyard. “A BirthYard”, I thought. What a wonderful thing! I was reminded of a time, 12 years ago, when my current home was under construction with many others. I used to walk through all the time with Mecca (my late pit bull) and dream that I might live here some day. It was the birth yard of my current life, and I didn’t even know it.
Hello. I haven’t blogged in a while. In less than an hour I am hosting a meditation meetup in my living room. The house is clean – enough for my standards – and I have plenty of beverages. So the physical space is prepared. But the mental space is not. I am anxious. Here’s why: I judge myself harshly. It doesn’t come out (or is it in) to my mind that way. It comes as judging THEM. Well, no, actually what I am doing is imagining them judging me. I will use a process that I learned from Esther Hicks www.abraham-hicks.com : would I rather feel anxious or excited?…excited…would I rather feel frightened or at ease?…at ease…would I rather feel judged or loved?…loved…
I have energetic beings surrounding me to help me get to loving, easy excitement. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel at ease? This is my practice lately. The messages that come to me from many teachers are to focus on self-care, to feel the love of source – love of self that is always there if I allow it. I can think thoughts that feel good. I can think general, good feeling thoughts. I am not in charge. I can’t make people happy, or sad; I can’t make anybody feel anything.
I believe that my life can be exhilarating and rich without having to create drama. It is my intention. I will have a thrilling life that is not based on surviving drama. It is based on serenity. It is based on listening. It is based on forward movement. It is based on love.
Time to start up the blog again. I grew up listening to my parent’s music, and Peter, Paul and Mary were some of my favorites. I recently bought a Peter, Paul and Mary album on iTunes, and it’s wonderful. For many years, I have had a pretty strong emotional reaction to “Puff the Magic Dragon”. It’s the line “a dragon lives forever, but not so little boys…” Today, it struck me, that I can feel around here a bit and probably uncover something. Quite obviously it has something to do with fear of growing up. That is not a new concept for me, but there is more to it. It’s a separation thing. “Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave.” I never believed in lifelong friends. I could do it myself, and I could do it better. That belief does not serve me. Can’t beat it away with a hammer. Can’t use dynamite. Gotta let is slide off like a rotten mushroom. Like water off a duck’s back. Like hot fudge on mint chip ice cream. Easy.
IN other news, I’ve recently been advised to treat my body as a temple. Which I am enjoying playing with. Hot baths and candles and broccoli and mac and cheese. My body loves me. I love it. And with a little intention and focus, it’s fun to treat myself. Hot stone massage tomorrow!
Oh, and I think there’s another thing about Puff. Part of my not growing up. It’s because it says “not so little boys”. I lived as a boy in my head for the first few years of my life. I remember the day my mom told me I had to wear a shirt to go outside, and my brother didn’t have to. And I decided that my life was now limited. I really was a girl, and that sucked.
Here’s to the beliefs that are floating away today…that my life is limited…that I can do it better by myself…that my body is a garbage pail.
Hello abundance! Hello cooperative creation! Hello temple of myself. Feels good.