I love my work. My next blog will be 30 days of loving my job. I love it and I am also becoming ready to
move on. My point – back to work today. It was great feeling more connected with people. As my fear of making a bad impression fades it is easier to care about others, and to listen. Some of my relationships are deepening while others are fading. It all unfolds as it should, as is comfortable, as I desire, as I observe. I slept so well last night. I feel amazing. Bedtime.
Kale is everywhere. Where did it come from? I believe that I can live a spectacularly healthy life with out Kale. And with gluten, by the way. I like to tell folks that I am allergic to gluten free things. Not that I have some high pedestal from which to look down on food fads. One month during my Junior Year of High School I was on a diet which only allowed me to eat hard boiled eggs and grapefruit. Another was just bananas – the fruit, not the insanity.
The point being this – now that I am practicing the belief that my body is lovable and worth caring for, I am eating a little differently. It’s subtle, but now I choose my foods based on the emotion I feel when choosing the food – you could call it a “gut feeling”. I can’t see where it’s going because I’ve never been there. I anticipate a new world to appreciate.
I need to get to bed now. Honoring the sleep impulse as well!
It’s the morning of Day 19, but I am adding a little to this post from yesterday. Because I literally fell asleep while writing so I needed to clean up the last part there, and add that today I will practice tuning to my emotions before making decisions about eating or anything else, thus allowing myself to be guided to the path of good.
I read something this morning about embracing our own darkness and how that will allow us to see the light – the other side of the darkness. I’ve been experiencing darkness for a couple of days, and I describe that darkness as neediness. Emotional neediness; I thrive on the opinions of others about me. I wish it wasn’t so. I frequently pretend that it isn’t so. However, it is so. There, I’ve said it. Not embracing it yet, just feeling the full wave of negative emotion right now. I’m hot, my muscles are tense, tears are streaming. For me, this is the darkest part of me that I am currently aware of. Right this minute I cannot envision a life which is not based around this emotional neediness. That is not affected greatly by the opinions of others. The glimpse of light is what I have received so far on this journey. I don’t care what anybody thinks about my body now. And that is amazing and a gift I never expected. But now I want more of that. I suppose that is what’s on the other side of the pain I am feeling at this very moment.
Years ago I had no friends, I had no god, I had no hope. How amazingly grateful am I today that I have loving friends, a loving god, and ever present hope. I used to drink away the darkness. Now I do not. Nor do I smoke it away, or eat it away. Hope just reared its bonny head. I am blessed with love from friends and from source, and with the strength to experience emotion. I don’t ever have to feel this pain again. I don’t mean to say that I will not have pain again. Just not this specific pain. Because I have the time and the tools, right this moment, to allow healing. To allow the light. To wait and feel and wait and feel until I get to neutral. Like a cork bobbing on the water.
OK now, to my Landmark teachings. Ooh, good, I’m starting to bore myself. Approaching neutrality. I declare a breakdown. Ah, closer to neutrality. I am the possibility of peace, stillness, knowing. I am the possibility of grace, which can be defined as simple elegance. Now what is the action that leads to peace…stillness…knowing…grace. Not trying to fix anything. Meditate.
Miss Molly's Mystical Merriment 