Day 17 – Don’t Fear the Dark

I read something this morning about embracing our own darkness and how that will allow us to see the light – the other side of the darkness.  I’ve been experiencing darkness for a couple of days, and I describe that darkness as neediness.  Emotional neediness; I thrive on the opinions of others about me.  I wish it wasn’t so.  I frequently pretend that it isn’t so.  However, it is so. There, I’ve said it.  Not embracing it yet, just feeling the full wave of negative emotion right now.  I’m hot, my muscles are tense, tears are streaming.  For me, this is the darkest part of me that I am currently aware of.  Right this minute I cannot envision a life which is not based around this emotional neediness.  That is not affected greatly by the opinions of others.  The glimpse of light is what I have received so far on this journey.  I don’t care what anybody thinks about my body now.  And that is amazing and a gift I never expected.  But now I want more of that.   I suppose that is what’s on the other side of the pain I am feeling at this very moment.  

Years ago I had no friends, I had no god, I had no hope.  How amazingly grateful am I today that I have loving friends, a loving god, and ever present hope.  I used to drink away the darkness.  Now I do not.  Nor do I smoke it away, or eat it away.  Hope just reared its bonny head.  I am blessed with love from friends and from source, and with the strength to experience emotion.  I don’t ever have to feel this pain again.  I don’t  mean to say that I will not have pain again.  Just not this specific pain.  Because I have the time and the tools, right this moment, to allow healing.  To allow the light.  To wait and feel and wait and feel until I get to neutral.  Like a cork bobbing on the water.  

OK now, to my Landmark teachings.  Ooh, good, I’m starting to bore myself.  Approaching neutrality.  I declare a breakdown.  Ah, closer to neutrality.  I am the possibility of peace, stillness, knowing.  I am the possibility of grace, which can be defined as simple elegance. Now what is the action that leads to peace…stillness…knowing…grace.  Not trying to fix anything.  Meditate.  

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