The sugar thing

According to my “HOWMANYDAYS” app I haven’t had sweets for 13 days.  Deep breath.  Sometimes I really want them.  Yesterday there were brownie bites in the staff room.  I almost had to reach out with one hand to pull the other away.  And it wasn’t because I really wanted to eat a brownie bite.  It was habit.  How many things do I do by habit that are not good for me?  Yes, I totally understand that brownie bites are not the devil.  Nor did the devil put them there to tempt me on Friday morning at 7:30 am on the week before the last week of school.  This 100 days of no sweets experiment is a gift to myself as a way to learn about me.  To shake up my patterns a little bit and see what sticks out.

Summer is coming and for me that means moving from  tightly scheduled days to no schedule.  Every summer ends with thoughts of regret that I “didn’t get more done”.  I think a very productive summer would be to unearth habits that no longer serve me.  Accept them, love myself and let go.  So I do have a structure.  It’s the structure to eat no sweets.  That is a loving structure in which I can move freely.  Move freely towards my unending goal of ever growing peace and happiness.

My 100 day commitment included:  1 hour of meditation a day, blog every day, and no sugar.  It didn’t work for me.  The sugar thing turned out to be the thing.  I am grateful.

What’s in a New Year?

It’s just a day.  New Year’s Eve…Like a birthday, it only has meaning that we humans assign to it.  I just turned 54 a couple of weeks ago, and that didn’t seem old at all until my mom told me this weekend that she was 57 when she and my dad began their retirement.  And I remember that she was OLD when that happened.  So, I guess I like being old.  I KNOW I like being old. I have time to sit and think and ponder and breathe and wonder and love.  Which brings me to the point of this post.  My word of the year.

It is stillness.  STILLNESS.  

Last year’s word was adventure.  After a year of adventure, one appreciates some stillness.

Facebook friends add much to my life, and it is on Facebook that I learned about Word of the Year.  From a “friend” named Molly, who I do not know in any way know outside of Facebook – it was just some little twist that occurred because we had the same name.  I can’t remember the details and am not in the mood to make them up.  I have met flesh and bone friends in similar ways.

I like words.  So much so that the Online Etymology Dictionary was the first bookmark on my iPad.  So I was immediately attracted to the idea of Word or the Year.  It’s something of an alternative to the dreaded New Year’s Resolutions.  Which are useful only as a boost to the revenues of 24-hour Fitness, Weight Watchers,  Nicorette gum and Kale farmers.  Word of the Year works like this.   Before the end of December, you begin to ponder your word.  You do not try, or struggle or effort.  You allow the word to find you.  After it finds you, it is recommended that you learn more about your word, including the origins.  Personally, I start the process by reflecting on the current word.  Oh, yeah, post your word on Facebook or somewhere else to help you remember it, if you are old like me.  At some point around March, I usually forget my word, but by then it doesn’t matter because it’s become part of my thinking

Adventure – I remember choosing it because I wanted to allow myself to experience newly.  And I did.  Beginning 2014 with the experience of the Landmark Forum, I created possibilities and enrolled others.  My adventures have been close to home – more adventures of the spirit than of activity.  The result has been confidence and courage that was previously hidden.  And a willingness to feel deeper connection to others.

So, now, stillness.  

I considered other words.  Stillness came out on top – and here’s why.  In my research, I found out that the phrase “still, small voice” is from the Bible.  Yeah, I’m sure most of you already knew that.  It is from Kings.  It talks about the lord being not in the mighty wind, or the fierce fire, or the earthquake – but in a still small voice.  And I will spend time in 2015 listening to that still, small voice.  It comes from stillness.  Not necessarily of body, or even mind, but stillness of spirit.  Holding a place where intuition can sneak in around, over or through the noise.  Ahhhhh.

I will let you know how it’s going.

Day 19 – Leaping along the path

I am spending the last day of my summer vacation with myself.  I have been allowing inspired thoughts and actions.  I venture more deeply into the state of “what other people think of me is none of my business”.  I envy those humans who already believe this.  I am not there yet.  I often allow myself to be guided by the real or imagined reaction of others.  I seek approval. I cannot imagine life without it, right now in this moment.  It is, however, the next step for me.  Every moment is a step along the path which is my life, and the better I pay attention to the path, the more I am useful .  Would I rather feel loss or freedom?  Would I rather feel anxious or content?  Would I rather feel useful or useless?  Would I rather feel sadness or contentment?  Would I rather feel love or disconnection?  I am blessed.

I began writing this blog for myself, for my journey, for support to continue until the end of the 30 days.  As soon as people started liking it, however, it started gradually shifting towards being a vehicle for attention and approval.  Today, with 11 days to go, I’m shifting back.  At this very moment I’m not sure how that will play out, but it is my intention.  Would I rather be distracted or focused?  I’m not sure.  Would I rather feel good or bad?  I would rather feel good.

I can focus and choose the thoughts I think, and I can be guided by connection to source and emotions which guide me.

Thank you…

Day 17 – Don’t Fear the Dark

I read something this morning about embracing our own darkness and how that will allow us to see the light – the other side of the darkness.  I’ve been experiencing darkness for a couple of days, and I describe that darkness as neediness.  Emotional neediness; I thrive on the opinions of others about me.  I wish it wasn’t so.  I frequently pretend that it isn’t so.  However, it is so. There, I’ve said it.  Not embracing it yet, just feeling the full wave of negative emotion right now.  I’m hot, my muscles are tense, tears are streaming.  For me, this is the darkest part of me that I am currently aware of.  Right this minute I cannot envision a life which is not based around this emotional neediness.  That is not affected greatly by the opinions of others.  The glimpse of light is what I have received so far on this journey.  I don’t care what anybody thinks about my body now.  And that is amazing and a gift I never expected.  But now I want more of that.   I suppose that is what’s on the other side of the pain I am feeling at this very moment.  

Years ago I had no friends, I had no god, I had no hope.  How amazingly grateful am I today that I have loving friends, a loving god, and ever present hope.  I used to drink away the darkness.  Now I do not.  Nor do I smoke it away, or eat it away.  Hope just reared its bonny head.  I am blessed with love from friends and from source, and with the strength to experience emotion.  I don’t ever have to feel this pain again.  I don’t  mean to say that I will not have pain again.  Just not this specific pain.  Because I have the time and the tools, right this moment, to allow healing.  To allow the light.  To wait and feel and wait and feel until I get to neutral.  Like a cork bobbing on the water.  

OK now, to my Landmark teachings.  Ooh, good, I’m starting to bore myself.  Approaching neutrality.  I declare a breakdown.  Ah, closer to neutrality.  I am the possibility of peace, stillness, knowing.  I am the possibility of grace, which can be defined as simple elegance. Now what is the action that leads to peace…stillness…knowing…grace.  Not trying to fix anything.  Meditate.  


Day 15 – My new diet and exercise program

2012-05-04 05.27.12I’m starting my blog early today because I had a marvelous morning so far, and I had a marvelous morning because I had a magnificent meditation and I did what came to mind as inspired action.  I want to recommend to everyone who reads this that you take advantage of the free stuff that Deepak Chopra offers – he’s a tuned in spiritual dude who charges LOTS of moolah to people like Oprah to come and learn from his center.  And he’s willing to offer us free meditations so I really suggest you try them and see what you like.  The current 21-day Meditation Experience focuses on “Expanding you Happiness” and today is Day 1.  Here’s the link, and it is in the sidebar also:

Now, back to the radical notion that Molly Mills would have a diet and exercise program.  Here it is:  Do what feels good.  Yup, that’s it!  I am going to shout it:  DO WHAT FEELS GOOD.  And what I was inspired to do, and it did feel good, was walk to the gym and work out with the weight machines..  And I can lift double what I ever did in the past.  I am not sure why or how, but IT IS FUN!

Oh boy, I didn’t have such a great afternoon.  I let myself get off the beam.  Way off.  And what do I want to do?  Go back to the gym!  This is a very interesting development.  I’m going to look for a yoga class now.  More later…

Time to finish it up.  What a crazy day it’s been.  I had a big disappointment today which leads me to be ready to continue to let go of more beliefs.  This half of the body love journey has been a journey to freedom and new possibilities that I didn’t even know I wanted.  Oh, I found the most excellent yoga class.  It was exactly what I needed.  Just remembering some discussion with friends lately concerning speaking my truth and it not being my business if another was in the space to hear it.  That’s what happened today.  All is well.IMG_0724

Day 14 – Loving thoughts

There is only one me and I am choosing, right now, to treat myself like a VIP:  Rockstar, movie star, queen, famous writer.  I’m gonna think thoughts that make me feel good. The most powerful loving thought are thoughts of happiness, joy, love, bliss, peace, serenity, FUN.  Lately, I can always get happy thinking about trees.  I just love the stability and flexibility of trees.  I can look at a tree standing tall and swaying in the breeze, and I can imagine myself being like that.  Being tall and useful and stable.  Being connected to everything. 3013321513_f1784b3c83_b

What I have learned is that thoughts attract other thoughts.  I am not as well practiced at following a pleasant train of thought as I am at following unpleasant trains.  The thing is, again, that it’s all about choice.  It’s my choice what to focus on.  So much of my time is spent thinking about what action to take, and then doing nothing, which makes me feel guilty.   OK, that’s neither fun nor productive.  So I’m gonna spend my thinking time with the fun trains, as much as I can.  Until it’s so practiced that it’s the go to thinking.  And just imagine the actions I will be inspired to.  Fun, fun, fun.

The pleasant train…