I love my work. My next blog will be 30 days of loving my job. I love it and I am also becoming ready to
move on. My point – back to work today. It was great feeling more connected with people. As my fear of making a bad impression fades it is easier to care about others, and to listen. Some of my relationships are deepening while others are fading. It all unfolds as it should, as is comfortable, as I desire, as I observe. I slept so well last night. I feel amazing. Bedtime.
Today is a milestone, as I have been loving my body for 20 days in a row as my good friend Ellene would say. Yesterday I fell asleep and forgot to publish my entry. So you will find it today, below this one. Right this minute it is simple. Loving my own body is my natural state, as it is for every human being. Loving my own mind is my natural state. Loving is my natural state. 
Pleasing others is not my natural state. It is a simple outgrowth of allowing the love to flow, but when I try to please it is trying. I’m thinking of the other way we use trying, such as “it’s been a trying day”, meaning challenging. Tomorrow I’m not going to try. I’m going to be…lighthearted and peaceful. Like Sunday should be.
I read something this morning about embracing our own darkness and how that will allow us to see the light – the other side of the darkness. I’ve been experiencing darkness for a couple of days, and I describe that darkness as neediness. Emotional neediness; I thrive on the opinions of others about me. I wish it wasn’t so. I frequently pretend that it isn’t so. However, it is so. There, I’ve said it. Not embracing it yet, just feeling the full wave of negative emotion right now. I’m hot, my muscles are tense, tears are streaming. For me, this is the darkest part of me that I am currently aware of. Right this minute I cannot envision a life which is not based around this emotional neediness. That is not affected greatly by the opinions of others. The glimpse of light is what I have received so far on this journey. I don’t care what anybody thinks about my body now. And that is amazing and a gift I never expected. But now I want more of that. I suppose that is what’s on the other side of the pain I am feeling at this very moment.
Years ago I had no friends, I had no god, I had no hope. How amazingly grateful am I today that I have loving friends, a loving god, and ever present hope. I used to drink away the darkness. Now I do not. Nor do I smoke it away, or eat it away. Hope just reared its bonny head. I am blessed with love from friends and from source, and with the strength to experience emotion. I don’t ever have to feel this pain again. I don’t mean to say that I will not have pain again. Just not this specific pain. Because I have the time and the tools, right this moment, to allow healing. To allow the light. To wait and feel and wait and feel until I get to neutral. Like a cork bobbing on the water.
OK now, to my Landmark teachings. Ooh, good, I’m starting to bore myself. Approaching neutrality. I declare a breakdown. Ah, closer to neutrality. I am the possibility of peace, stillness, knowing. I am the possibility of grace, which can be defined as simple elegance. Now what is the action that leads to peace…stillness…knowing…grace. Not trying to fix anything. Meditate.
Yep, I do. I make stuff up. Sometimes in my relationships with people, specifically male people (I’m a straight female), I make up stuff that makes me feel bad. (I feel a 30-days to loving myself in relationships blog coming…). But for now, I am just using that as a contrast to what I’m practicing with my current blog – making up good shit about my body. Oops, I will go back to using the word stuff but you can read it how you like. I learned several years ago that I might as well use this imagination of mine to make up good stuff. It’s not always easy, though, with every topic. “A belief is just a thought you keep thinking”, says Abraham-Hicks. I had to break through this wall of beliefs that I made concerning my body and my worthiness and open it up a crack. Through that crack, the new stories could grow.
So here’s some stories I make up…All food is equally good for me. My mind shapes my body. It is healthier for me to eat what I want than to follow someone else’s “healthy eating” rules. When I am in alignment with source, I know exactly what to eat, how to eat, how to move, and I also love purely. I imagine that some of you are thinking – oh boy, she is in a fantasy world. She’s probably gonna die soon with that kind of storytelling!
If you are a fearless reader of this blog, however, you can probably get yourself to agree with my reality which is that these stories are much healthier than my old stories. I’ve already been eating whatever I like, and shaping my body with my thoughts, all the while pretending to be following the “rules” or thinking of myself as a bad girl for not following. I would place a large wager on the likelihood of my health improving with these new stories.
Tonight for the first time in 12 days I overate – meaning that my stomach is overfull and I’m uncomfortable. I have never been able to will myself to avoid overeating for more than one or two meals. My new stories just made it the easy thing. And overeating tonight is quite alright. I spilled some milk too. Not crying!
Miss Molly's Mystical Merriment 