Day 13 -Triskaidekaphobia

T13oday’s title has nothing to do with my 30-day love journey.  Yet – you know I will come across something.  Triskaidekaphobia is, of course, the fear of the number 13.  I do not have this phobia, I love the number 13.  I don’t know how to pronounce it.  Google it.

Any-way it’s late and I’m being silly.  Aha!  I know what to do;  I will list 13 things I love about my skin bag:

1.) My toes are cute and useful for holding on my flip-flops.

2.) My leg muscles are awesome.

3.) I love being 5’7″ because it’s not to tall and not to short…just right.

4.) I love my smile because other people notice it and get happy

5.) I can walk for a long time and not get tired.

6.) I love my fat belly because it is a part of my lovable body.

7.) When I take a deep breath and clear my mind, my body relaxes.

8,) I love how I am able to clear my mind. And how I can focus my mind.

9,) I love my blood sugar level because it helps me to focus on keeping a healthy body.

10.)  My hair is thick and wavy and easy to care for.

11.) I have lots of freckles which make me smile

12.)  My 5 senses and the wonderful feelings they induce

13.)  My butt sits very comfortably in chairs.

Day 12 – I make stuff up

images-3Yep, I do.  I make stuff up.  Sometimes in my relationships with people, specifically male people (I’m a straight female), I make up stuff that makes me feel bad.  (I feel a 30-days to loving myself in relationships blog coming…).  But for now, I am just using that as a contrast to what I’m practicing with my current blog – making up good shit about my body.  Oops, I will go back to using the word stuff but you can read it how you like.  I learned several years ago that I might as well use this imagination of mine to make up good stuff.  It’s not always easy, though, with every topic.  “A belief is just a thought you keep thinking”, says Abraham-Hicks.  I had to break through this wall of beliefs that I made concerning my body and  my worthiness and open it up a crack.  Through that crack, the new stories could grow. 

So here’s some stories I make up…All food is equally good for me.  My mind shapes my body.  It is healthier for me to eat what I want than to follow someone else’s “healthy eating” rules.  When I am in alignment with source, I know exactly what to eat, how to eat, how to move, and I also love purely.  I imagine that some of you are thinking – oh boy, she is in a fantasy world.  She’s probably gonna die soon with that kind of storytelling!  

If you are a fearless reader of this blog, however, you can probably get yourself to agree with my reality which is that these stories are much healthier than my old stories.  I’ve already been eating whatever I like, and shaping my body with my thoughts, all the while pretending to be following the “rules” or thinking of myself as a bad girl for not following.  I would place a large wager on the likelihood of my health improving with these new stories.  

Tonight for the first time in 12 days I overate – meaning that my stomach is overfull and I’m uncomfortable.  I have never been able to will myself to avoid overeating for more than one or two meals.  My new stories just made it the easy thing.   And overeating tonight is  quite alright.  I spilled some milk too.  Not crying!

And I'm still that cute!

Day 11 – New Habits

Somebody said that it takes 14 days to form a new habit.  I don’t know who said it or if it is true.  But I am on day 11, and I can see that the habit of loving my body is taking form.  I have to admit that when I started this, I had an outcome in mind.  I wanted to prove something.  I wanted people to KNOW!  Not quite sure what I was trying to prove – something about how life is not fair and if you just listen to me, it will all be much better.  What I have started to prove instead, to myself at least, is that it’s really a good thing that you all don’t listen to me.  Well, I like it when you listen, but just don’t do what I say.  Do what is right for you. Things work out.

News Flash – what you think about me is none of my business, but what I think about me IS my business. Because – another flash – I can change what I think.  It’s not always easy, it requires some work, some honesty, some vulnerability even.  I know I’m not alone in getting this concept backwards for many years. Thinking that  I can’t change myself, but I can change others.  And when I accomplished the impossible, things would then turn out ok.

So the new habit is love.  It’s easy to love, as it turns out.  Most parts of my body feel good and work great.  Some parts are not working great or feeling good.  But they aren’t evil.  All parts are lovable.  Because they are me, and my body parts work together to allow me to exist in this physical world.  I am an important part of god’s creation, and I have a part to play.  So do you.  And so do my chihuahuas, and every other living and non-living thingamabob.

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Day 10 – Slept ’till noon

I like to keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.  Or sometimes on the pillow.  The special freedom of a teacher’s life in the Summer is drawing to a close in the next couple of weeks.  Not like the end of summer for a kid, which is just a shock one day when you have to get up and go to school.  Teachers ease in, with a few meetings, classroom prep, setting up the computer.  Then, the First Day of School.  But for today, it’s still Summer with a capital S, and today the S was for snooze.  The kind of day where I decided to take a nap at 8 am.  Woke with a headache.  Lots of chances to have unproductive thoughts.  And then ignore them and go back to sleep.  No going to the gym.  No getting dressed, for that matter.

I do realize that changing thought patterns can be exhausting, and so I very much appreciated the chance to just let myself be today.  Kind of like my chiropractor wants me to rest my neck after the adjustment.

Maybe someone is keeping up with my daily practices, and if so, you know that today was remembering that I don’t actually know what other people are thinking.  Yep, it came in handy today.  The truth is that my negative thoughts about myself are usually hidden…shrouded perhaps…in these thoughts about how I can please others.  Or manage them.  Or get them off my back.  Or fool them. Poppycock!  Here’s how it went today…Wake up and think “all the other teachers think I”m lazy” …”oh yeah, I don’t actually know what other people think”   “am I lazy”…”no, I don’t think so”.  Go back to sleep.  Good stuff to know.

Tomorrow…I really want a cleaned up house, so the best thoughts to practice are thoughts of worthiness.  I am lovable – not in spite of who I am but because of who I am.  And so are you.

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Day 9 – Fun at the Gym

Tomorrow I will practice letting go of the notion that I know how everyone thinks.  It has been a long and dearly held belief of mine that I know what others think, know, believe and want.  I have let it go in many areas of my life, and that has improved my life immensely.  However, wherever I still hold my belief that I am omniscient, my life is not completely satisfactory.  This commitment to love my body for 30 days has demonstrated this to me. I kinda wish I’d thought of it sooner.  It’s what happens when you cut a little hole in an old belief, and allow yourself to believe differently.  I have experienced it a few times before.  Always happens in response to a plea to the power which I will call God.

So here’s the deal.  I have never loved my body.  I never even tried.  I have used it as my reason, or excuse, for every part of my life that is not going the way I want.  This is the truth, and I am not even exaggerating.   Of course, I blamed you.  If you had not been judging me, ignoring me, laughing at me behind my back, then I would be ok.  Because of what you thought, I was not allowed to love my body until it was…prettier, thinner, stronger, more feminine, fit…fill in the blank.  And, although I blamed you, I never told you.  I couldn’t, because then the whole house of mirrors would come crashing down around me.

Now, I’m not crazy, or even dysfunctional. I simply don’t have a life that is as magical as I desire it to be.  Sharing this 30-day body love journey is upping the magic.  Yes, yep, yessiree bob!

gym rat

Oh, and about the gym.  I went today.  I went for fun, and not to fix anything.  I felt my body during yoga.  I looked in the mirror during both yoga and weights and saw a person I’ve never seen. I pushed harder when it felt right, and scaled it back when that felt right.  It was fun.

 

Day 8 – Unconditional Love

She’s got the joy, joy, joy. joy down in her heart today…

I have some teachers, and one is Abraham-Hicks.  Abraham talks about unconditional love as a way of describing a connection to source energy.  I mean that I love, no matter what conditions surround me, as much as I allow that connection.  And today I practiced.  And I had a day without fear.  I had a day without hatred.  I had a day without judgement.  Well, I guess I had a little, but it felt so weird that I just laughed it away.

I joined a gym today!  That was unexpected.  It just felt right, it was the next logical step.  I’ve been wishing from time to time that I had not cancelled my membership, because I so much enjoy, sometimes, exerting my body with the weight machines.  Then, today, I received an email with a good deal, and I went in.  First of all, the girls behind the desk applauded.  Secondly, it took only a few minutes, and I ended up with an even better deal.  Finally, I got a free massage for a friend who is a current member.

If you are a regular reader, you have faith that I can pull this together with the theme of unconditional love.  Yep, here goes…I joined the gym because I love my body, fully, in it’s current condition.  And I don’t expect a fix.  I expect to feel good, and have fun.  So when the girls applauded, I joined in their excitement, instead of thinking – “they are happy the fat girl is gonna try to get thin.” And that’s the condition my condition is in.

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Day 7 – a good tired

What does it mean: I’m tired, but it’s a good tired.  Honestly, I never gave it much thought.  It describes how I feel right at this moment.  Because I can still write today’s musings, it’s a good tired.  Bad tired is when I have to go to bed and not fulfill my commitment to myself.  I can say that better, because that last sentence did NOT feel good.  I’m committed to loving my body this month, and so any kind of tired is just fine.  

Eating has been more pleasurable this week.  As I lower the resistance to good health, I feel free to eat as my body desires.  I am imperfect and enjoying every minute of it.

Am literally snoozing at the typewriter.  The practice for tomorrow will be…unconditional love.

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Day 6 – Give thyself permission

In so many ways, on so many topics, I think for myself.  Some might say I militantly think for myself. About a few topics, however, I am a scaredy cat.  It has been quite a while since I have experienced the swift and powerful shift towards freedom that I have experience during this first week of giving myself permission to honestly express my love of my body, and honestly express what has stopped the love for many years.  Letting myself off the hook for so many thoughts about my physical self, and about the  bodies of others.  Thoughts of which I was so embarrassed or ashamed that I did not acknowledge them to myself.  I’m surprised at how insidious it is; like a computer virus in my mind.  An example – I have always thought I was ashamed of my body size and shape.  In reality, it’s more accurate to say that I’ve been ashamed of not liking my body size and shape, and doing all sorts of misdirections and storytelling about it.  I said I didn’t care when I did, and said I did care when I didn’t.  

By practicing deeper honesty with myself and others, it is as if a gauzy curtain of lies has been cleared away.  Practicing loving my body has turned out to be so much easier than practicing loving my thoughts.  What I am finding is this: letting go of the habit of body hatred and replacing it with body love has uncovered an underlying and real problem – I am ashamed of the way I think about myself and others.  And I spend lots of time covering up that shame.  And somehow I am letting that shame go. and am allowing the emergence of a free, loving and true spirit.  It feels good.

Now, in closing, let me tell you some stuff I love about Molly’s body:  the way the roll around my middle gives me a place to rest my hands; diabetes which has inspired me to find a way to love myself; my hair and eyes which are beautiful and breathtaking; my arms which are strong and good at hugging.  

Day 5 – What I learned on my summer vacation

Judgmental people are hard on themselves.  I judge judgmental people.  This is not news to me, but I did not put it together until today how much this judging hurts me.  I am hard on myself.  Not always, but sometimes.  And I don’t even notice it most of the time.  Until now.  It is today’s gift from the 30 day process.  30 days of loving my body.  Having given myself permission to love the previously unlovable, and then made a commitment to myself to write something every day and share what I am learning, I can notice.  I have more time and space to think.  I read something today about how much time women spend comparing and categorizing themselves; apparently it happens every 30 seconds or something like that.  And it interferes with thinking and learning, which I have definitely observed in my students.  As I have expressed in previous posts, one of the gifts so far in this process is a feeling of greater freedom.  A whole bunch of thinking which I have previously felt required to do is no longer required.  Of course, it never was, but I didn’t know.  I am grateful for this marvelous journey

I’m going to post a few links here, which may be of interest to those who enjoy my journey so far:

Fat Links

Ted Talk:
Body Love Wellness website
http://www.bodylovewellness.com

My Body Gallery