Day 17 – Don’t Fear the Dark

I read something this morning about embracing our own darkness and how that will allow us to see the light – the other side of the darkness.  I’ve been experiencing darkness for a couple of days, and I describe that darkness as neediness.  Emotional neediness; I thrive on the opinions of others about me.  I wish it wasn’t so.  I frequently pretend that it isn’t so.  However, it is so. There, I’ve said it.  Not embracing it yet, just feeling the full wave of negative emotion right now.  I’m hot, my muscles are tense, tears are streaming.  For me, this is the darkest part of me that I am currently aware of.  Right this minute I cannot envision a life which is not based around this emotional neediness.  That is not affected greatly by the opinions of others.  The glimpse of light is what I have received so far on this journey.  I don’t care what anybody thinks about my body now.  And that is amazing and a gift I never expected.  But now I want more of that.   I suppose that is what’s on the other side of the pain I am feeling at this very moment.  

Years ago I had no friends, I had no god, I had no hope.  How amazingly grateful am I today that I have loving friends, a loving god, and ever present hope.  I used to drink away the darkness.  Now I do not.  Nor do I smoke it away, or eat it away.  Hope just reared its bonny head.  I am blessed with love from friends and from source, and with the strength to experience emotion.  I don’t ever have to feel this pain again.  I don’t  mean to say that I will not have pain again.  Just not this specific pain.  Because I have the time and the tools, right this moment, to allow healing.  To allow the light.  To wait and feel and wait and feel until I get to neutral.  Like a cork bobbing on the water.  

OK now, to my Landmark teachings.  Ooh, good, I’m starting to bore myself.  Approaching neutrality.  I declare a breakdown.  Ah, closer to neutrality.  I am the possibility of peace, stillness, knowing.  I am the possibility of grace, which can be defined as simple elegance. Now what is the action that leads to peace…stillness…knowing…grace.  Not trying to fix anything.  Meditate.  

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Day 15 – My new diet and exercise program

2012-05-04 05.27.12I’m starting my blog early today because I had a marvelous morning so far, and I had a marvelous morning because I had a magnificent meditation and I did what came to mind as inspired action.  I want to recommend to everyone who reads this that you take advantage of the free stuff that Deepak Chopra offers – he’s a tuned in spiritual dude who charges LOTS of moolah to people like Oprah to come and learn from his center.  And he’s willing to offer us free meditations so I really suggest you try them and see what you like.  The current 21-day Meditation Experience focuses on “Expanding you Happiness” and today is Day 1.  Here’s the link, and it is in the sidebar also:  https://chopracentermeditation.com.

Now, back to the radical notion that Molly Mills would have a diet and exercise program.  Here it is:  Do what feels good.  Yup, that’s it!  I am going to shout it:  DO WHAT FEELS GOOD.  And what I was inspired to do, and it did feel good, was walk to the gym and work out with the weight machines..  And I can lift double what I ever did in the past.  I am not sure why or how, but IT IS FUN!

Oh boy, I didn’t have such a great afternoon.  I let myself get off the beam.  Way off.  And what do I want to do?  Go back to the gym!  This is a very interesting development.  I’m going to look for a yoga class now.  More later…

Time to finish it up.  What a crazy day it’s been.  I had a big disappointment today which leads me to be ready to continue to let go of more beliefs.  This half of the body love journey has been a journey to freedom and new possibilities that I didn’t even know I wanted.  Oh, I found the most excellent yoga class.  It was exactly what I needed.  Just remembering some discussion with friends lately concerning speaking my truth and it not being my business if another was in the space to hear it.  That’s what happened today.  All is well.IMG_0724

Day 14 – Loving thoughts

There is only one me and I am choosing, right now, to treat myself like a VIP:  Rockstar, movie star, queen, famous writer.  I’m gonna think thoughts that make me feel good. The most powerful loving thought are thoughts of happiness, joy, love, bliss, peace, serenity, FUN.  Lately, I can always get happy thinking about trees.  I just love the stability and flexibility of trees.  I can look at a tree standing tall and swaying in the breeze, and I can imagine myself being like that.  Being tall and useful and stable.  Being connected to everything. 3013321513_f1784b3c83_b

What I have learned is that thoughts attract other thoughts.  I am not as well practiced at following a pleasant train of thought as I am at following unpleasant trains.  The thing is, again, that it’s all about choice.  It’s my choice what to focus on.  So much of my time is spent thinking about what action to take, and then doing nothing, which makes me feel guilty.   OK, that’s neither fun nor productive.  So I’m gonna spend my thinking time with the fun trains, as much as I can.  Until it’s so practiced that it’s the go to thinking.  And just imagine the actions I will be inspired to.  Fun, fun, fun.

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The pleasant train…

Day 13 -Triskaidekaphobia

T13oday’s title has nothing to do with my 30-day love journey.  Yet – you know I will come across something.  Triskaidekaphobia is, of course, the fear of the number 13.  I do not have this phobia, I love the number 13.  I don’t know how to pronounce it.  Google it.

Any-way it’s late and I’m being silly.  Aha!  I know what to do;  I will list 13 things I love about my skin bag:

1.) My toes are cute and useful for holding on my flip-flops.

2.) My leg muscles are awesome.

3.) I love being 5’7″ because it’s not to tall and not to short…just right.

4.) I love my smile because other people notice it and get happy

5.) I can walk for a long time and not get tired.

6.) I love my fat belly because it is a part of my lovable body.

7.) When I take a deep breath and clear my mind, my body relaxes.

8,) I love how I am able to clear my mind. And how I can focus my mind.

9,) I love my blood sugar level because it helps me to focus on keeping a healthy body.

10.)  My hair is thick and wavy and easy to care for.

11.) I have lots of freckles which make me smile

12.)  My 5 senses and the wonderful feelings they induce

13.)  My butt sits very comfortably in chairs.

Day 12 – I make stuff up

images-3Yep, I do.  I make stuff up.  Sometimes in my relationships with people, specifically male people (I’m a straight female), I make up stuff that makes me feel bad.  (I feel a 30-days to loving myself in relationships blog coming…).  But for now, I am just using that as a contrast to what I’m practicing with my current blog – making up good shit about my body.  Oops, I will go back to using the word stuff but you can read it how you like.  I learned several years ago that I might as well use this imagination of mine to make up good stuff.  It’s not always easy, though, with every topic.  “A belief is just a thought you keep thinking”, says Abraham-Hicks.  I had to break through this wall of beliefs that I made concerning my body and  my worthiness and open it up a crack.  Through that crack, the new stories could grow. 

So here’s some stories I make up…All food is equally good for me.  My mind shapes my body.  It is healthier for me to eat what I want than to follow someone else’s “healthy eating” rules.  When I am in alignment with source, I know exactly what to eat, how to eat, how to move, and I also love purely.  I imagine that some of you are thinking – oh boy, she is in a fantasy world.  She’s probably gonna die soon with that kind of storytelling!  

If you are a fearless reader of this blog, however, you can probably get yourself to agree with my reality which is that these stories are much healthier than my old stories.  I’ve already been eating whatever I like, and shaping my body with my thoughts, all the while pretending to be following the “rules” or thinking of myself as a bad girl for not following.  I would place a large wager on the likelihood of my health improving with these new stories.  

Tonight for the first time in 12 days I overate – meaning that my stomach is overfull and I’m uncomfortable.  I have never been able to will myself to avoid overeating for more than one or two meals.  My new stories just made it the easy thing.   And overeating tonight is  quite alright.  I spilled some milk too.  Not crying!

And I'm still that cute!

Day 11 – New Habits

Somebody said that it takes 14 days to form a new habit.  I don’t know who said it or if it is true.  But I am on day 11, and I can see that the habit of loving my body is taking form.  I have to admit that when I started this, I had an outcome in mind.  I wanted to prove something.  I wanted people to KNOW!  Not quite sure what I was trying to prove – something about how life is not fair and if you just listen to me, it will all be much better.  What I have started to prove instead, to myself at least, is that it’s really a good thing that you all don’t listen to me.  Well, I like it when you listen, but just don’t do what I say.  Do what is right for you. Things work out.

News Flash – what you think about me is none of my business, but what I think about me IS my business. Because – another flash – I can change what I think.  It’s not always easy, it requires some work, some honesty, some vulnerability even.  I know I’m not alone in getting this concept backwards for many years. Thinking that  I can’t change myself, but I can change others.  And when I accomplished the impossible, things would then turn out ok.

So the new habit is love.  It’s easy to love, as it turns out.  Most parts of my body feel good and work great.  Some parts are not working great or feeling good.  But they aren’t evil.  All parts are lovable.  Because they are me, and my body parts work together to allow me to exist in this physical world.  I am an important part of god’s creation, and I have a part to play.  So do you.  And so do my chihuahuas, and every other living and non-living thingamabob.

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Day 10 – Slept ’till noon

I like to keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.  Or sometimes on the pillow.  The special freedom of a teacher’s life in the Summer is drawing to a close in the next couple of weeks.  Not like the end of summer for a kid, which is just a shock one day when you have to get up and go to school.  Teachers ease in, with a few meetings, classroom prep, setting up the computer.  Then, the First Day of School.  But for today, it’s still Summer with a capital S, and today the S was for snooze.  The kind of day where I decided to take a nap at 8 am.  Woke with a headache.  Lots of chances to have unproductive thoughts.  And then ignore them and go back to sleep.  No going to the gym.  No getting dressed, for that matter.

I do realize that changing thought patterns can be exhausting, and so I very much appreciated the chance to just let myself be today.  Kind of like my chiropractor wants me to rest my neck after the adjustment.

Maybe someone is keeping up with my daily practices, and if so, you know that today was remembering that I don’t actually know what other people are thinking.  Yep, it came in handy today.  The truth is that my negative thoughts about myself are usually hidden…shrouded perhaps…in these thoughts about how I can please others.  Or manage them.  Or get them off my back.  Or fool them. Poppycock!  Here’s how it went today…Wake up and think “all the other teachers think I”m lazy” …”oh yeah, I don’t actually know what other people think”   “am I lazy”…”no, I don’t think so”.  Go back to sleep.  Good stuff to know.

Tomorrow…I really want a cleaned up house, so the best thoughts to practice are thoughts of worthiness.  I am lovable – not in spite of who I am but because of who I am.  And so are you.

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Day 9 – Fun at the Gym

Tomorrow I will practice letting go of the notion that I know how everyone thinks.  It has been a long and dearly held belief of mine that I know what others think, know, believe and want.  I have let it go in many areas of my life, and that has improved my life immensely.  However, wherever I still hold my belief that I am omniscient, my life is not completely satisfactory.  This commitment to love my body for 30 days has demonstrated this to me. I kinda wish I’d thought of it sooner.  It’s what happens when you cut a little hole in an old belief, and allow yourself to believe differently.  I have experienced it a few times before.  Always happens in response to a plea to the power which I will call God.

So here’s the deal.  I have never loved my body.  I never even tried.  I have used it as my reason, or excuse, for every part of my life that is not going the way I want.  This is the truth, and I am not even exaggerating.   Of course, I blamed you.  If you had not been judging me, ignoring me, laughing at me behind my back, then I would be ok.  Because of what you thought, I was not allowed to love my body until it was…prettier, thinner, stronger, more feminine, fit…fill in the blank.  And, although I blamed you, I never told you.  I couldn’t, because then the whole house of mirrors would come crashing down around me.

Now, I’m not crazy, or even dysfunctional. I simply don’t have a life that is as magical as I desire it to be.  Sharing this 30-day body love journey is upping the magic.  Yes, yep, yessiree bob!

gym rat

Oh, and about the gym.  I went today.  I went for fun, and not to fix anything.  I felt my body during yoga.  I looked in the mirror during both yoga and weights and saw a person I’ve never seen. I pushed harder when it felt right, and scaled it back when that felt right.  It was fun.

 

Day 8 – Unconditional Love

She’s got the joy, joy, joy. joy down in her heart today…

I have some teachers, and one is Abraham-Hicks.  Abraham talks about unconditional love as a way of describing a connection to source energy.  I mean that I love, no matter what conditions surround me, as much as I allow that connection.  And today I practiced.  And I had a day without fear.  I had a day without hatred.  I had a day without judgement.  Well, I guess I had a little, but it felt so weird that I just laughed it away.

I joined a gym today!  That was unexpected.  It just felt right, it was the next logical step.  I’ve been wishing from time to time that I had not cancelled my membership, because I so much enjoy, sometimes, exerting my body with the weight machines.  Then, today, I received an email with a good deal, and I went in.  First of all, the girls behind the desk applauded.  Secondly, it took only a few minutes, and I ended up with an even better deal.  Finally, I got a free massage for a friend who is a current member.

If you are a regular reader, you have faith that I can pull this together with the theme of unconditional love.  Yep, here goes…I joined the gym because I love my body, fully, in it’s current condition.  And I don’t expect a fix.  I expect to feel good, and have fun.  So when the girls applauded, I joined in their excitement, instead of thinking – “they are happy the fat girl is gonna try to get thin.” And that’s the condition my condition is in.

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Day 3 – 30 days to love my body

Today’s plan was to love the bodies of others.  Pretty easy…even though we are staying at a hotel full of cheerleaders!  Yes really.  Cheer camp.  I can’t laugh at them, since I went to Band camp.  More than once.  I was mean to cheerleaders in high school.  Had you asked me then, I would have been certain that it was the cheerleaders who were mean girls.  But I cannot tell you one cruel thing that any cheerleader ever said or did to me.  I do remember talking crap about them, making fun of them behind their backs, and assuming a level of superiority, both emotional and mental.  Wow, none of that makes any sense at all to me now.  As I get closer to my real self, I am able to love more authentically.

Which brings us back to today’s plan.  Love all bodies.  Yep, I did.  Bodies are awesome.  I noticed many shapes and sizes.  And I saw many ways of being, ways of eating, ways of talking, ways of dressing, ways of interacting, ways of serving.  I did judge some of this.  But I honestly did not have a negative thought about anyone’s body today.  That’s a new kind of freedom.  I also ate exactly what I wanted today.  And for the second day in a row, I did not feel overstuffed.  No logy feeling.  I naturally ate food that tastes good to me and ate the right amount for me.

I’m feeling strongly right now that these 30 days of loving my body are going to be good for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.  Results that will far exceed anything I ever got from a “diet”.  It’s a feeling of peace and freedom and connection.

Plan for tomorrow:  notice all thoughts about my own body and flood every thought with golden liquid love.

I will let you know how it goes…

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